Black face ME

Recently i was reminded again that i have a black face and is fierce. This came from a VP from another team and my own boss another VP agreed. My boss say i also sounded very fierce over the teleconference that day too. Oh my, am i really that bad? Face fierce, voice also fierce.

My office people all seem to think i should smile all the time and be more friendly. BUT my point is, why should i need to consciensiously put on a smile and sound friendly? Isnt it already quite tiring to just work? Cant i just be friendly to people that i want to? For people who dont know me well, must i really care about how they think? Life is so tiring.

My AVP and VP also want me to be more sociable and network more but i just cant do it. I am too shy to start a conversation and i cant continue one sometimes cos i am just so NOT knowledgeable lor. Sometimes they talk about trips, then all the unfamiliar destinations' name will appear (mind u, i am still confused which countries are in Europe and which are in US), sometimes they talk about the economy, and i am just so NOT aware lor. Sometimes they talk about where to eat, and all the names of the road will just confuse me. I feel so hopeless sometimes, like really no substance.

My AVP and colleagues also remind me to start saving but i just feel like rewarding myself now and then, and of course $ wont grow lor... those 2 yrs plus with the BAST**D really put in misery and i cant help pitying myself and to reward myself from the escape.

I just want to be ME. ME who will smile and laugh when i want to. ME who will grow out of her shell when she is ready. ME who is trying hard to make herself happy.

Sometimes...

Recently i have some thoughts... i keep seeing so many good things in people that i really wonder why i cant be like them. Like i have a colleague who knows Jap language, lived in Japan for one year to work and study Jap (what an experience!), knows how to play piano, and a lot of the chinese instruments, good in mandarin, and english also not bad. Very confident lady. I wish i can be like her.. She is Ms BN, my real life idol recently.

Sometimes i will think in this way, if i am stuck in a crisis with this person, and only 1 person can survive, it really shouldnt be me. E.g. she is such nice a person, if she dies, a lot of pple will be sad. she has a bf, if she dies, it will be so sad.

Worse, sometimes i think in this way... when i die, what will people think and say at my funeral? And will there be many people who will cry and say they will miss me? I quite doubt so. But if i really die, i hope i have left some nice thoughts with my friends, and that i have made their life a little brighter. . . .