I hate being ME

I am sick and tired of being me. i dont understand why ME cant seem to finish doing my work, and why i cant have the hackcare attitude? Why i do always feel that i am buried in work? For the first time in my life, i actually have to work during CNY! CNY hols seem to be the time i should do my catch up in work. What kind of life am i living?

I am sick of looking at the fat me too. I am also sick of me alone. I am confused. I dont know what is left of me that's good. I am fat, not smart, EQ is low, scared of lotsa of things (height, coachroach, toiletbowl, shit and lots more!), i dont like to talk to strangers and find it difficult to hold a conversation with someone whom i am not familiar with.

I dont know whats my purpose of life. Am i into my mid life crisis so soon? I really feel like letting go of everything and just sulk in a corner until i can find my purpose of life but i dont have the courage to do that.

Should i plan my April trip so that i can go away and have a tot on this?... i wonder

Down down down.....

I really feel very down... By right, i should feel rejuvenated after my 8N Japan trip but this only lasted 1 day after i went back to work. Other than being sick for one whole week, i had to do all the work that never seem to end. I really feel alone and overloaded. At the same time, i feel that i am incapable. Why is everyone around looking fine except me? Why do i feel like i am drowning and why do keep finding things that i could have done better? WHY?!

I really running low on energy and wonder why i must live this kind of life. This kind of stressful life. Is the $ worth it? I seem to have lost the time when i can just sit around to watch tv... every night, i seem to be working shift 2 at home no matter what time i come home. I am tired.

Today i will devote myself to work again, but tomorrow, i MUST not touch work. I shall devote my time to my Japanese language revision. I hope i can do it. Now is 3 Jan (sat) 2pm, there's 12 hours to 2am. Thats the time i have today to do all the work. Jiayou to myself.

Wow... Nov seem to be flying by.... There have been many ups and downs this month...

I had a panic attack on one of the Mondays and decided to work from home. I think my home gives me a lot of peace as compared to the office. I am glad that Ms A is still my boss as i could openly let her know my thoughts, but i think i really scared her with my crying man. This was the DOWN part of the day.

I am glad there's a UP part that day. My cousin managed to get me the tickets to the YES933 private party for Fahrenheit and i went with Ms L. I had fun at the party although we were just sitting on the floor seeing them talk and play games.

Overall this month i feel very sianz with work because Ms A is leaving and i feel very alone with all the work piling on me. I am glad Mr F is around and i can see that he is trying to help me out. Thanks Mr F!

This Fri we went to Ms A's farewell party after the PFS party. We had our karaoke session @ Liang Court, and there was a competition - everyone has to sing 1 non-english/chinese song. I won the 4th position! And since it was a popularity competition rather than singing competition, i am glad i am relatively popular... hahaha. And as Ms A wanted to see me drunk, i went da-ing and i think i drank like 5 glasses of Volka Ribena before i realised that i was drunk. That's when i started to cry, laugh plus i pinched Ms V's cheeks, threw tissues at Mr F, slept on Ms V's lap, hugged Ms A. I think i really scared my new boss Ms AC man.. hahaha... In the end, Ms V and Ms A sent me home. And i really it really sucks to be drunk. After sleeping a while, i woke up and felt terrible. Hugged the basin and vomited! I felt terrible! The next morning, i forced myself to go to the Jap class but only lasted an hour before i decided to head home. Slept till 3+ then rest a while and i forced myself to attend the wedding....

Now....? I am trying to do my office work but the P drive is not working. If it continue this way, i am going to call our ITO again! I need to work!

612星球

A new song from SHE that i really like a lot recently.... 我会幸福吗? 在什麽时候...

满园玫瑰我以为找到我那一朵
认真爱了却狠狠刺伤我的双手
责备什麽人也没有用
玫瑰都红难免看错望着天空
爱是风活在童话里头
小王子说有些事流浪过才会懂
原来每颗心都有个洞
找不到真爱会一直寂寞

我但愿有一个人在等我
在属於我的612星球
好让我忍着痛也愿意往下走
不快乐至少要有梦
一定会有一个人在等我
无条件拥抱着我的所有

想遇见我还要翻越多少山丘
花别谢太快请你等等我擦干眼泪
一个人漂流在这宇宙

小王子说爱一定开在某个角落
不想相爱的人那麽多
我会幸福吗
在什麽时候

Wedding bells are ringing....

Recently i have been attending quite a number of weddings. One in Sept (my JC friend), one in Oct (my Pri school friend), and in Nov, will be my UOB friend wedding. All these friends are of the same age as me, and the first 2 are guys! Shouldnt guys get married later?! Anyway, the point is, i am constantly reminded that i am still very single.

I am generally not very confident of myself, and the fact that i am still single does make it worse. There must be something wrong about me. Other than being fat, are there other bad things about me? This is a constant thought recently, and i feel miserable as i slip in self-pity. Everyday i try to make sure that i am very tired before i attempt to sleep so that i will not have the chance to slip into deep thoughts on why i need to pity myself.

I need to do something soon. 27 turning 28 soooooooon.... 2009 is just around the corner...

Black face ME

Recently i was reminded again that i have a black face and is fierce. This came from a VP from another team and my own boss another VP agreed. My boss say i also sounded very fierce over the teleconference that day too. Oh my, am i really that bad? Face fierce, voice also fierce.

My office people all seem to think i should smile all the time and be more friendly. BUT my point is, why should i need to consciensiously put on a smile and sound friendly? Isnt it already quite tiring to just work? Cant i just be friendly to people that i want to? For people who dont know me well, must i really care about how they think? Life is so tiring.

My AVP and VP also want me to be more sociable and network more but i just cant do it. I am too shy to start a conversation and i cant continue one sometimes cos i am just so NOT knowledgeable lor. Sometimes they talk about trips, then all the unfamiliar destinations' name will appear (mind u, i am still confused which countries are in Europe and which are in US), sometimes they talk about the economy, and i am just so NOT aware lor. Sometimes they talk about where to eat, and all the names of the road will just confuse me. I feel so hopeless sometimes, like really no substance.

My AVP and colleagues also remind me to start saving but i just feel like rewarding myself now and then, and of course $ wont grow lor... those 2 yrs plus with the BAST**D really put in misery and i cant help pitying myself and to reward myself from the escape.

I just want to be ME. ME who will smile and laugh when i want to. ME who will grow out of her shell when she is ready. ME who is trying hard to make herself happy.

Sometimes...

Recently i have some thoughts... i keep seeing so many good things in people that i really wonder why i cant be like them. Like i have a colleague who knows Jap language, lived in Japan for one year to work and study Jap (what an experience!), knows how to play piano, and a lot of the chinese instruments, good in mandarin, and english also not bad. Very confident lady. I wish i can be like her.. She is Ms BN, my real life idol recently.

Sometimes i will think in this way, if i am stuck in a crisis with this person, and only 1 person can survive, it really shouldnt be me. E.g. she is such nice a person, if she dies, a lot of pple will be sad. she has a bf, if she dies, it will be so sad.

Worse, sometimes i think in this way... when i die, what will people think and say at my funeral? And will there be many people who will cry and say they will miss me? I quite doubt so. But if i really die, i hope i have left some nice thoughts with my friends, and that i have made their life a little brighter. . . .